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| Iono if it's just me or not but I don't think Robert even cares that I'm not living with him anymore. He acts like we never even moved in with eachother. Maybe he's really happy that I'm not living there anymore. I'm a little happy about it but it still hurts thinking about how I can't fall asleep with him everynight or to just be with him. Yeah, we both have alot more freedom but iono...whatever. I hate thinking about it. Maybe it'd be better if we just broke up. Cuz it feels like he doesn't get happy when I arrive he just looks at me and says, " hi". Not a hug and a kiss like usual. Or it could just be that it's still too soon and that he doesn't completely love me again or something. I don't know. But it feels like we're not going to last that much longer. Maybe what was keeping us together was that we were living together. Maybe I was a burden, or maybe I was just a bad gf, or maybe I annoyed him too much or whatever. But it's pretty clear that he doesn't give a shit about not seeing me that much. I don't think he loves me anymore. I don't want to lose him though, I still want to spend all my time with him. I don't think I should go over to his house that much anymore. | | |
| Cigs....not pot lol
I'd never give up pot....
At least not for a while haha
my life sucks too much to quit smoking pot right meow xD
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed | | |
| I tried flipping a blunt just now and my nails ripped the wrap...*tear* Fail..... | | |
| Well, I know that I'm terribly afraid to confront myself but I figured that it's about time. Cuz like, iono...i used to have anger issues. Anything would just piss me off and ruin the day for me. I've been getting better but I still have moments where overwhelming frustration would come crashing down on my body. So yeah, it's about time I confessed alot of things and fucking slap myself in the face. I was gunna do an exercise from my Trippin class to help me with this but I lost it...or I think I threw it away, but yeah...I don't have it anymore. So I guess I'll just list something and then go into more detail about it? lol shit...I wish I remembered more shit from that class! Pot affects the memory...-_-' But I kinda remember the exercise tho. Like I close my eyes and then I imagine myself in a room. It looks like a living room with a white couch facing the fire place from behind the coffee table sitting in the middle of the room. The wall on the right has a window but I can't remember if I ever saw anything outside the window. In the left corner of the room in front of me there's a brown, wooden door. I walk up to the door and open it to see a staircase decending into darkness. Cautiously I step onto the first step and shut the door behind me. Now I am standing in complete darkness but somehow I can still see the fog starting to roll in like dancing wisps. I step onto the second step and the fog gets a little thicker but barely enough to notice though. Then as I step down to the third, fourth, fifth and sixth steps the fog gets thicker and now I can't see through it anymore. I proceed to decend the steps and eventually I fall off and deep into the fog. Even though I'm falling I'm not afraid and it doesn't feel like I'm actually falling, more of a floating feeling. As I float down through the clouds and land on the ground I am met by my guide. Ahead of me are two walls standing parallel to eachother to make a hallway in between them. I look to my guide and he begins to lead me into the hallway. There are pictures of my childhood hung on the walls in between doors. I've always wanted to peek in every door to see what's behind them but we never really covered them in our exercises. At the end of the hallway is a dead end and I have to turn left or right. I always make the right turn and start walking down that hallway. On the right wall is my "monster", all of my fears and insecurities in one bundle. And my monster has my face, but she's pregnant and has no legs. Her skin is grey with dark red eyes but she wears the countenance of a sad and lonely child. Anyways, I walk past her and continue on behind my guide. A little more walking up another flight of stairs and I am inside the conference room where my 12 authentic selves are sitting at a round table with two chairs open for me and my guide. My guide sits himself down at the other emtpy chair and I took the last. The round table had bleachers surrounding it and I had alot of spectators. Pretty much everyone who means something to me were sitting in the bleachers, ready to watch and listen to anything coming out of my mouth and from the other 12 people. I don't remember everyone that was supposed to be there but I just remember sitting next to my inner child. She looks like a chibi-me lol but she's holding onto my most valuable stuffed animal. My polar bear that is so old and worn out that's he's a dingy brown now. I regret throwing him away too. Well, I guess the easiest place to start would be on my mood swings. I've never had mood swings till up to like, the middle of last year I think. I don't really have an outlet for my emtions except for my xanga. But xanga can only do so much for me. I wish I could go up to one of the girls and just spill out my guts but Shannon and Michelle get on my nerves sometimes. It's not what they do though it's just me being hella irritated already by the time they pop in the picture. And when I'm hella irritated I like to be by myself. But there are a few people who already know who I am like Dani but she's gone from the house. I always talk to Uncle though when we're alone together and that always helps out. Plus he's not the type to just run off and repeat whatever the fuck i tell him to someone else, which is a really good trait I find in people. ( Although I may not posess that good trait sometimes teehee xD) I've been talking to Robert more and I let him know when he's pissing me off haha and I've learned to not have a stick up my ass all the time too. I'm pretty much drained from writing right meow and there are hot tacos waiting for me in the kitchen. late! | | |
| Well, here I am again staring at the computer screen for about 2 hours now. Okay....more than two hours. And after all this time I have to myself I start thinking and thinking and thinking. Sure I did some things to occupy myself for a little bit like read, go online, go on walks, but those things can only hold my attention for so long until I get bored again. My creative well ran dry hella days ago and now I focus all of my attention to the bad things about myself like my weight, skin, hair, the things that usually don't count or don't matter to most other people. It has become an obsession to me. I look at myself in the mirror and I think about how I could improve my hair so that it's not so dry and frizzy. When it comes to my weight I want to lose all of it. Every single ounce of fat under my neck I want to get rid of. I don't know where the hatred of my body comes from. Probably from the guys I hang around with and them always talking some really hot bitch they've seen or hooked up with? Maybe it came from my mother telling me not to wear certain things like skirts because my "fat shows too much"? Or maybe it could be the gorgeous women in the media? Iono...but I always think " what the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I get rid of any of this fat?" Shit...on top of that when people tell me that i look fine I don't believe them over my insecurities and self-loathing. I wanna try popping pills to get the weight down. I've heard that it does make you lose hella weight and just popping one every once in a while will keep it off. Another thing that's been concerning me are my mood swings, lack of insight and a high understanding of myself. Like, Robert pointed out that everytime he brings up something about what's wrong with me I shut myself off and don't want a go deeper than a scratch below the surface. I don't know if it's just that I can't handle criticisim. But I do know that I have an awful lot of time to think to myself and I already know what's wrong with me and what I need to work on whether it's getting a job or my personality. I don't need anyone esle pointing them out like I'm obvlivious to them. I just wish that I can get a handful of my girlfriends and friggin go off somewhere and spend a weekend there. Or maybe I just need a girlfriend to hang out with. Maybe I'm just cooped up in this room too much and I just need to get out more. But whenever I'm out I start getting anxious about being away from home for too long. Yeah...I think that's what I need...to get out with some friends more. Or someone to talk to. I also think that I gotta learn how to communicate with Robert more. I've been doing good so far. Like whenever he asks me what's wrong I don't just say "nothing" or " I'm fine." Well...I still do a little but just not as much. I'm just missing so much out of life. | | |
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